RradRegor's Journal: A slower pace of life

Today I'm taking some work home for the last half of the day, and all I really have to do is peruse some specifications. Its an easy day, and I really like it. It gives me a chance to breathe. I feel like I was made for a much slower pace of living than what people mostly accept as "normal" these days.

I did quite a lot of yard work over the weekend. My wife was busy with her own stuff of course, but I was kind of looking forward to her noticing and giving me some ooo's and aahh's over it. But I never called any attention to the results, and since she was gone most of the weekend she hasn't noticed yet. We're not newlyweds by any stretch, and really we've been through hell for the last few years, so I hate to admit to myself sometimes that I still want to please her. Most of what represents a true expression of myself and my beliefs does not in fact please her at all, but I still try. Maybe its because she's the woman in my life, and I love her despite all our troubles and differences. Or maybe trying to impress a woman is just the excuse I seem to need to bring out some energy and self-expression in me, even though the outcome is usually not good. For me, I've learned to take it as good. After all, something I'm happy about gets done, even if she doesn't like it. There's just this intermediate step of total psychological weirdness, where I need to feel like I'm trying to impress someone when really I'm just doing what I think is good.

Conclusion, tentatively, is that I have to do my own thing and be myself, but I'd really like to have it appreciated. In the current relationship, it often isn't but sometimes is, so its worth a try.