Journal FortKnox's Journal: Monkeys... 21
Someone posted this in a forum I frequent and I thought it was pretty damn funny (in an Em sorta way). It reads like a childrens book, which adds to the humor. I did a little checking on it and it seems like its about a year old, but its the first time I read it:
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to
look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet
one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.
finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like
them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in
the genitals.
I like monkeys
sweet (Score:2)
Waaaaay older than that. :-) (Score:1)
Re:Waaaaay older than that. :-) (Score:2)
Re:Waaaaay older than that. :-) (Score:1)
Re:Waaaaay older than that. :-) (Score:2)
Re:Waaaaay older than that. :-) (Score:2)
-Ab
And now we know (Score:2)
Your nickname (Score:1)
Re:Your nickname (Score:2)
Re:Your nickname (Score:1)
I used to log into dial up systems in Los Angeles as 'Moonglum', and was bummed that the nick was taken here by the time I thought of registering it.
Re:Your nickname (Score:2)
Corum stories were baroque and surreal and interesting. Beautiful and otherworldly.
Monkeys (Score:2)
Walkin down the street
Get the funniest looks from everyone we meet
Hey Hey We're The Monkees
And people say we monkey around
but we're too busy singing
to put anybody down...
Oh - er - wrong kind of Monkey.
Re:Monkeys (Score:1)
Thanks for the story (Score:2)
Vintage (Score:1)
A story (Score:2)
I used to work for FedEX, and one of the guys I worked with had been with the company quite some time. Once upon a time FedEX used to ship live animals (they don't now for obvious reasons). Back when the company was pretty small, they had a shipment of little monkeys come in. The supervisor was going out to happy hour with everyone except one doofus who he simply told, "Don't fuck with the monkeys". Everyone is sitting in the bar when the supervisor gets a call from d
Re:A story (Score:1)
Oh, and they DO still ship live animals... I use them to send fish all over the country all the time.
Re:A story (Score:2)
Re:A story (Score:2)
meh (Score:1)
Weak sauce.
Pretty funny though, other than the amazing lack of pooh.